Snarky Comments

Artificial Christmas Tree Advice

2010-12-08T06:03:00.000-05:00

Yours truly spent about six hours over the weekend working on his pre-lit artificial Christmas tree that was supposed to be a time saver, but seems to have become a time sinker.

To all of you that have not purchased or setup your artificial Christmas trees, here are few pieces of advice.

1) If your tree comes in multiple sections, fluff out each section of branches as you connect them. It is a lot easier to spread the branches of each section individually than to do it after the whole tree is together.

2) If you buy a pre-lit tree, be certain to get one that has LEDs and not the standard mini-bulbs which can burn out. I know those things are expensive, but I am considering establishing an LED Christmas tree fund so I can buy one.

3) Put your tree on a surge suppressor. I cannot guarantee it, but I think this would have prevented my debacle. How else would 150 bulbs all burnout at the same time?

4) Buy a Lightkeeper Pro (http://www.lightkeeperpro.com/). This thing is AMAZING! I do not understand how it works, but it does. It looks like a little red gun and has a bulb/fuse tester, a toner for finding the bad spot in a string of lights, and a bulb remover (for prying out those mini-lights from the socket). It also has this gizmo that you plug into a bulb socket, pull the trigger a couple times and sometimes makes the whole string light up magically. I have no idea how this thing works but it has helped me a lot. DISCLAIMER: I am not supported or compensated by Lightkeeper Pro. I just think their product is really cool.

5) If you need a lot of replacement bulbs consider buying a string of bulbs in the proper voltage instead of replacement bulbs. They might be cheaper. I bought two strings of 100 2.5 volt clear bulbs on sale at K-Mart for $5. That is only 2.5 cents per bulb! Compare that to replacement bulbs that are 10 cents each.

Enjoy getting into the holiday spirit!

Stay Snarky

It's Not You, It's the Economy

2010-11-30T06:28:00.000-05:00

An open letter to my wife on her most recent rejection email from a hiring manager.

Sweetie:

To those companies that are ignoring your resume without so much as a rejection email to acknowledge your existence - I say "Frak them".

To those morons pretending to be hiring managers that run away like scared little rabbits after they interview you over the phone - I say "Frak them".

To those organizations that have brought you in for second interviews, getting your hopes up and then dashing them because they think you are "overqualified" - I say "Frak them".

They are missing out on a gold mine of talent personified in YOU. They are rejecting someone who is smart, professional, talented, organized and highly skilled. They have let slip by a valuable property, an employee with a diverse background of both administrative and technical skills all rolled into one. They overlooked a person who would bust their hump in a role for which they are overqualified for, because they really want to work. At some point in the future, they are going to have buyer's remorse over the lesser qualified people they hired. They will regret that they let you slip by when they could have hired you on the cheap. That is their loss.

To you, my sweet - I say "I am proud of you".

I am proud of your perseverance. In the face of very little positive feedback, you have continued to pound the virtual pavement sending out resumes, making contacts, and tweaking your resume. You have not given up. Every day you keep trying to find I know that it is not for lack of trying that you cannot find work. I know that it is hard and demoralizing and that neither one of us can wave a magic wand and fix it.

I am proud of your drive. I am glad that you went back to college to finish your associate's degree in business. You are close to completing your program and I am proud of your work ethic and dedication to completing your degree. You worked very hard in your classes and your grades reflect that. I really enjoyed our discussions when you had your business ethics (ha!) and financial accounting classes. Not that I needed proof, but it really showed that you took them seriously and were interested in getting the most out of them. I am sure your professors wished they had more students like you.

I am proud of your spirit. Instead of sitting on your duff at home you have been exercising. Instead of watching soap operas, reruns and talk shows, you have been running and doing hot yoga. You are doing activities that are hard, intense, and require commitment. You could have quit either one of these things when they became difficult. You could have become discouraged when you were not hitting your times on your running program or when you struggled with certain yoga positions, but you did not quit. It takes a lot of spirit and self-worth to maintain commitment to exercise, and I am proud of you for that.

I am proud of your support. Although you have been looking for work, you have been incredibly supportive of me in my job. Even when I complain about some minor annoyances or perceived slights, you have never said "Shut up and be happy that you are working". I appreciate that. I also know that if the roles were reversed and I was the one struggling to find a job, I would be a bear to live with it. It would be awful and you would probably want to smother me in my sleep. The fact that I do not feel this way towards you is testimony to your iron will and self-confidence.

I know that this does not make it better, but it is not your fault. The economy sucks, particularly in southeast Michigan. That is totally outside your control. For the things you do control, you are doing amazing. I know that you will find a job. There will be someone that will see the value in hiring someone with your talents, skills, knowledge, perseverance, drive and spirit. When they do hire you, they will be very fortunate to have you as an employee. Until then you will continue to have my love and support.

Stay Snarky

Canceling Mail Delivery on Saturdays? - Big Deal

2010-11-29T21:10:00.000-05:00

The US Postal Service wants to cancel mail deliveries on Saturday to save money.

Some of the reasons I heard for NOT canceling mail delivery are interesting, but hardly relevant.

Old people might need their checks delivered on Saturday - Really? Have they not heard of direct deposit? Isn't it safer and faster for them to have direct deposit in a no fee checking account?

Mail carriers are the eyes and ears of the neighborhood - This may be true, but that is a bonus to the community, not a requirement of the USPS. The same can be said for utility workers, FedEx and UPS, cab drivers, bus drivers and newspaper carriers. Not to mention just the general citizenry watching out for each other. One hopes that we are all watching out for shenanigans in the neighborhood, because it is not the primary objective of the US Postal Service.

They used to deliver mail twice a day, now they want to deliver only five days a week? Where does it end? - Beats me. I am at work all day, so even if they delivered mail twice a day I would not notice. If they stop delivering on Saturday and I have to wait until Monday for my issue of Entertainment Weekly, I will live.

If people are all fired up about keeping mail delivery on Saturdays, then they should write their congressman or senator (no sending an email!), send it express mail, certified, with a return receipt (because that costs more) and tell them that you are willing to pay a lot more for first class postage so that the USPS can afford Saturday delivery. If you are not willing to pony up more money for first class mail, then you better get accustomed to not having mail on Saturdays.

Stay Snarky

A Cult for Blood Donors

2010-11-28T13:48:00.000-05:00

I donated blood through the American Red Cross today. I have been donating blood ever since I was 18. Over the past 25-ish years I have donated about 60 units, which is 7.5 gallons (28.39 liters for the metrically inclined). So, I have been donating for a long time. When I first started donating, the questions were basically what is your weight and how are you feeling today? Now, there is a HUGE list of questions to be answered before you can donate blood.

Before I start my rant, let me say this: I get it. I understand the reasons for all of the questions. I am not oblivious to the fact that these questions are there to protect the blood supply. I am certain that many of these questions are the result of a tragedy due to a blood transfusion gone awry because of an unknown disease or side effect from medication. I support what the American Red Cross is doing in trying to protect the blood supply.

Here is the eligibility criteria to donate blood:

http://www.redcrossblood.org/donating-blood/eligibility-requirements/eligibility-criteria-alphabetical-listing

I asked the nurse performing my screening this question: With all of the restrictions in place, how many people are eligible to donate blood at any one time? She did not know the answer, but I looked it up on the Red Cross website. The answer: Less than 38% of the US population is eligible to donate blood. Only 38%! That is a lot of responsibility for slightly more than a third of the population.

http://www.givelife2.org/sponsor/quickfacts.asp

Many of the questions are related to travel or having lived outside the USA for an extended period of time. For example if you lived in Europe for more than 5 years, you probably cannot donate. If you were in the military or worked for a multinational company, you are probably screwed. Hepatitis is a big concern, so if you received a tattoo, you get deferred for a year. There is also a list of medications that can cause birth defects, like Propecia. So, if you are naturally balding and vain enough to fix it, you are out of the blood donation derby. A bunch of the questions are related to sexual activity. One particular question is something like "Since 1977, have you ever traded sex for drugs or money?". Whenever I hear that question, I think to myself, what about trading sex for alcohol or dinner, is that better than trading it for cocaine or cash? But I digress.

Basically, the Red Cross is looking for the most boring, plain people in the USA to donate blood. If you have not traveled extensively, done drugs, are not worried about your bald spot and acne, or had sex under suspicious circumstances, then they want YOUR BLOOD!

My proposal to the American Red Cross is this: Start a cult. But don't call it a cult, classify it as a fraternal organization or new age religion or a club of some kind. Start promoting it in elementary and junior high school before kids get interested in doing anything dangerous. Get them to buy into the Clean Blood Club early. Find some pop singers or movie stars that agree to follow the Clean Blood Club's list of restrictions. Most of the restrictions are right in line with most church doctrines, so you have some potential allies there.

The problem is this: What do you use for motivation? What is the incentive to stay in the club? How do you encourage members to stay on the straight and narrow? You cannot appeal to their civic duty, because that is working out marginally well now.

Answer: You need to compensate them somehow. If not with money, then maybe with college scholarships or subsidized housing. It would be similar to being ordained as a minister, right? But instead of your calling being the ministry, you agree to donate your blood six times a year. Society wins by having a reliable source of blood for surgeries and medical conditions. The blood donors win by getting a college education and an affordable apartment.

Stay Snarky

Dr. Snarky and Loki - The Adventure Begins

2010-11-27T21:09:00.000-05:00

My cat Loki has a minor eye infection of some kind. I noticed it Thanksgiving Day, but the vet was closed Thursday and Friday (for which I do not fault them, they deserve days off too). Fortunately they were open for Saturday hours today.

Loki is a great cat. He has some annoying habits, but he is lovable. He is very much a people cat. He will find a person in the house who is going to be sedentary for a while, either napping, reading or watching TV, and plop himself on or near that person for as long as possible. He has slept in my lap for hours while I have been watching a movie or football. If I fall asleep, it is even better for him, because I am definitely not going anywhere for the duration. However, he really hates riding in the car in his cat carrier. Even though the vet is only 7 minutes away, he cries the whole way there. If it had been summer and the car windows were down, someone might have mistaken him for a baby crying.

Once he is at the vet office, it is an adventure for him. He explores the examination room and checks out the smells from all of the other cats. He loves looking out the window at the street. He has such a good time, it can be difficult to get him back in his carrier to go home.

By the way, the vet examination went fine. The vet gave us eye drops to give Loki a few times a day. His eye was already looking better, so this is just to help the healing along.

In the parking lot, I decided to let Loki out of his carrier inside the car so he could wander around the inside of the car instead of being sequestered. Here he is in the back seat on the ride home:

"Chauffeur, please take me to the nearest pet store."

He really enjoyed the car ride! He was thrown off when the car turned, but he liked looking out the windows and he did not cry. He meowed a couple times, but I think they were "Hey, this is really cool!" meows instead of "Where the hell are you taking me! I demand an attorney!" meows. He looked out all of the windows and the windshield. He was fascinated! I know that it is not safe to have a cat wandering around the car, but people do it with dogs all the time. As long as he stays away from the brake and accelerator pedals we are probably fine.

If I were a truck driver by trade I could totally see him chilling in the cab of my semi while we drove across the country. Instead of "B.J. and the Bear" we would be "Dr. Snarky and Loki". We would travel from state to state and town to town getting into capers, fighting injustice and blogging about our adventures. I would totally watch that show!

Stay Snarky

Where will the Stretching of the Christmas Season End?

2010-11-26T05:58:00.000-05:00

The stores put up Christmas displays before Halloween this year. Two months before Christmas Day. I used to get annoyed when they put up Christmas displays too soon before Thanksgiving.

I understand the corporate retailer mentality about this. "Let's get people thinking about Christmas early so they will start spending money sooner." And it is probably working. There will be no way for retailers to tell the difference between a November 1st sale that they would have made anyway and a November 1st sale that occurred because someone said to themselves, "Why, yes, Christmas is only 55 days away. I better buy that widget now!"

I went to my local hardware store on Wednesday afternoon and they were having what was a pre-Black Friday sale from 5:00 PM to 10:00 PM. I bought a couple toggle bolts and picked up a couple 2-liter bottles of pop that were almost on sale for $0.50 each. I say almost because I went through line at 4:55 PM. The clerk could not ring up the pop at the sale price until after 5:00 PM. That was fine, no big deal. I paid for my non-sale items (thankfully) and decided to wait for five minutes until 5:00 PM rolled around.

Holy crap! I must not have been paying attention because at 5:00 PM, all of the shoppers who were milling around the store immediately got into line. I have never seen so many people in this store. I got into line with my now on-sale pop and waited for all of one minute before I realized that I was going to wait 15 minutes in line to save $1.50. Hmmm. My time is worth more than that, so I put the pop back in the display and left.

I then realized there were stores having Thanksgiving Day sales in advance of Black Friday. I am not one to stifle the economy, but do people really want to be shopping for Christmas gifts on Thanksgiving Day? Isn't that supposed to be the day you spend with the family you want to buy gifts for? "Hey, I would love to see you on Thanksgiving, but Meijer is having a big sale and I don't want to miss some great deals." I really think that sucks for the store employees that are working on Thanksgiving, too.

I appreciate that grocery stores and drug stores are open for a few hours on Thanksgiving. I have made that run to the store on the holiday because I forgot some recipe ingredient or realized we did not have enough potatoes. I hope the employees are being compensated appropriately for working a holiday because they should be. But being open for a few hours T-day morning is not the same as being open all day for general shopping.

So, the Christmas shopping season is being stretched from November into October. Black Friday is being stretched to Wednesday and Thursday. Where does it end? Will I see Christmas displays during back-to-school shopping? Will Black Friday turn into Black November with 5:00 AM sales every day? Do we all really need to buy that much stuff?

Stay Snarky

Five Things I Am Thankful For

2010-11-25T21:44:00.000-05:00

I think it is nice that as a nation we take one day out of the year to be thankful for what we have. Here are a few of the things I am thankful for.

1) I am thankful for my wife and family. My wife has made me a better person and a better man and I am thankful that she makes the effort. My kids have made me a more patient person and a good father. I am blessed to have all of them in my life.

2) I am thankful that I have a job and health care. Given the economy in the USA in general and in Michigan in particular, I am fortunate to have good job that pays the bills, puts food on the table and allows me to provide health care for my family.

3) I am thankful that I live in the United States of America. Our government is not perfect and as a people we are not perfect, but we are improving. We are a relatively young country so we still have some maturing to do. Even with our flaws this is still a great place to live and I am glad to be a citizen of the USA. Listening to the news everyday makes me appreciate how stable, peaceful and bountiful our country is compared to many other countries.

4) I am thankful for my friends. After my family, my friends make life worth living. I am lucky to have great and supportive friends. Because I see them infrequently I really appreciate them. We play cards, go camping, break stuff, fix stuff, talk smack, and listen to each others problems. They are good guys to have in your corner.

5) I am thankful for my education. I do not appreciate how much a good education has made my life possible. I received a great education in high school which allowed me to attend a good university where I received a quality education from professors that cared about their students and wanted them to do well. That education has allowed me to obtain or retain good jobs over the past 20 years.

Take a moment to reflect on something for which you are thankful.

Stay Snarky

The Anti-Bellwether

2010-11-24T23:38:00.000-05:00

I am really bad at following trends. There have been multiple times where I have chosen the wrong technology or pop culture trend to pick up. When I was a kid I saw the "Star Wars" movies and really enjoyed them. I loved science fiction as a kid and still do today. But I was not really big into collecting "Star Wars" action figures. My favorite show in the late 70's was "Battlestar Galactica". I read and reread the paperback novels that were based on the show. I also had what would now be called graphic novels of the show, too. But if it were not for the reboot of "Battlestar Galactica" on the Sci-Fi Channel, the original show would have been thought of as just a knockoff of "Star Wars". In my mind, the reboot fulfilled the promise of the original show's premise. But I digress. My main point is that while kids my age were clamoring for "Star Wars" toys and action figures, I was reading "BG" books and playing my "BG" Mattel Electronics game.

When hand held video games came out in the late 80's, there was the Atari Lynx, the Nintendo Game Boy and Sega Game Gear. It's hard to remember this, but back then there was not a clear market leader out of the gate. I am going based on memory here, but Game Boy was only monochrome at first. Although they had a wide selection of games, they were all in shades of gray. Game Gear was in color but had a limited selection of titles. The Lynx was in color, had stereo sound and you could play head-to-head with a buddy using a cable connection. My best friend at the time had a Lynx and raved about it, so I got one. It was very cool, but it was about three or four times the size of Game Boy. Although it was monochrome color and mono sound, Game Boy was fun AND convenient. You could carry it in a jacket pocket. You needed a backpack to carry the Lynx. The market spoke and Lynx and Game Gear went the way of the dodo. Nintendo won with Game Boy and still controls the market with Nintendo DS. Eventually, I sold my Lynx on eBay and bought a color Game Boy.

Fast forward 20 years and I am in the market for a smartphone. I bought my wife an Apple iPhone and she RAVED about it. I was unconvinced. I did a bunch of research and agonized over the decision before I finally plunked down my cash and bought a Nokia N95. It had everything I wanted that the original iPhone did not have. It took videos, had a built-in FM radio and a GPS. I really liked my Nokia. It did have some drawbacks. There was no Nokia "app store". So, getting applications for it was hit and miss. The equivalent apps my wife could download for free or cheap were either crappy or ridiculously expensive under Symbian OS. It was frustrating. Also, the iPhone integrated with iTunes. So, downloading music, videos or podcasts to your phone was a snap. The Nokia software was awful. Trying to do any of those things was a hassle.

I had my Nokia N95 for about 18 months when it was destroyed in an accident. (Honestly!) So, what did I do? Did I go back to my computer and invest hours of research in finding a new phone? No. Did I consult different websites with what was technologically superior? No. I drove right to the AT&T Wireless store, walked up to the salesperson and told them I wanted an iPhone 3GS. Which did everything my Nokia N95 did except for FM radio. Which I have not missed at all. My wife was almost as excited as I was. Even though she never used my Nokia, she did not like it and really felt my frustration with it.

I have been really happy with my iPhone 3GS. Although I was to the party, I am glad I made it. Sometimes it is OK to be different and beat your own drum. But when it comes to technology, it usually makes sense to follow the leader. Just don't follow me. At least not right away.

Stay Snarky

Whither Goest the Metric System?

2010-11-23T22:04:00.000-05:00

What happened to the Metric System? I learned about it in elementary school and it seemed like liters and kilometers were right around the corner. Then it seemed to die a slow death. This is something I simply do not understand. The Metric System is so EASY and widespread, why has the USA not jumped on the bandwagon?

From a business perspective, this makes complete sense. Businesses in the USA would no longer need to develop and maintain separate labeling and measuring standards for USA customers and the rest of the world. It would simplify documentation and processes. Millions of dollars could be saved.

Measuring ingredients for cooking would be a piece of cake. Do you want to halve that apple pie recipe? What is half of a 3/4 cup of sugar? Let me find my .375 measuring cup, it is around here somewhere. Well, my quiche recipe needs 450 ml of milk but I want to cut that in half. That would be 225 ml, my Metric friend! How easy!

Did you know that migrating to the Metric System could have prevented the destruction of the Mars Climate Orbiter in September 1999? If our software engineers had been speaking the same language of measurement as the engineers in Europe, that disaster could have been avoided.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mars_Climate_Orbiter#The_metric.2FUS_customary_units_mix-up

Scientists and students use the Metric System every day. Every kid in the USA has experience with the Metric System. It is not new or weird. They all understand how to use it. It started being taught in the 1970s, so we have had forty years of American citizens learning the Metric System in school.

I remember Canada going through Metrication in the 70s also. When I watched CBC as a kid they had fun little animated segments (like public service announcements during commercial breaks) explaining how certain Metric measurements related to standard measurements. We could still do that today.

I know that people are comfortable or lazy about our current measurement system. But it will probably take a Republican president to really advocate for it. If a Democratic president pushed for it the howls of "socialism" and "Eurocentric" and "the American people don't want the Metric System" would be deafening. It's too bad. Metrication is like reducing the deficit or fixing Social Security. It will be slow and it will be painful, but in the end everyone will be better off.

Stay Snarky

Have you read these books?

2010-11-22T21:54:00.000-05:00

I was tagged with this on Facebook, but am reproducing it here because I thought it was interesting. It is from the BBC's "Big Read" from 2003.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/arts/bigread/

Bolded titles are books I have read in their entirety, italicized ones I started but didn't finish or read an excerpt.

1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens

11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch – George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis

34 Emma – Jane Austen

35 Persuasion – Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Berniere

39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne

41 Animal Farm – George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving

45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding

50 Atonement – Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel

52 Dune – Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck

62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens

72 Dracula – Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses – James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal – Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession – AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks

94 Watership Down – Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

I was disappointed to find I have only read 18 books on this list. There are quite a few that I have seen the movie or mini-series, but not read the book. There are also a couple authors listed (Iain Banks and Kazuo Ishiguro) where I read a book that is different from the one shown.

My wife and I have hundreds of books. I think we have probably 70 or more of the ones listed here. That tells me is that I need to read more books! I will make that a goal for next year. I want to get up to 30 books on this list by the end of 2011. That is only one a month for a year. I should be able to swing that. I will keep you posted on my progress.

Stay Snarky

Let the Thanksgiving Preparations Begin!

2010-11-21T21:18:00.000-05:00

My wife found her list of Thanksgiving preparations from three years ago, which is pretty awesome because that saves us the trouble of making a new list. Typically, we end up cleaning and cooking really late the night before we have guests and then busting our humps on the actual day, too. I really want to get as much stuff done every day between now and T-Day so that I can relax and socialize a bit. I probably spend the least amount of time with our guests because I am preparing, cooking, serving or cleaning up the whole time they are here.

I went grocery shopping for Thanksgiving Day today. We do not get really fancy when it comes to Thanksgiving dinner. We will have turkey, stuffing, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, cheesy potatoes, green beans, pumpkin pie and cranberry relish. Our kids (who are both in college) do not appreciate complex foods and flavors, so we stick to the basics. We could make some more interesting dishes, but since there are only two of us that would appreciate them there is only so much we can eat!

Today I hit the grocery store to pick up supplies. It was not quite as nutty as I expected. The only thing that was trouble was Libby pumpkin pie filling. I have been looking for pumpkin pie filling for about two weeks and they have been completely sold out of it. I finally scored one can of it this morning.

Thanksgiving Day is one of my favorite holidays. I enjoy cooking and eating and I love the leftovers. Especially the sweet potato casserole my wife makes. That dish is so amazing I will eat it for dinner, a snack later that night, and then every day after that until it is all gone. It is like a side dish and a dessert! The timing of Thanksgiving day is perfect, because I can eat turkey leftovers and sides all weekend. Mmmm...leftovers.

Stay Snarky

Movie Trailers Should be Teasers not Mini-Movies

2010-11-20T17:37:00.001-05:00

This has been bothering me for a long time, but since I have been to the movies three times in two days I felt the urge to rant about it.

Why do producers feel the need to make movie trailers into mini-movies?

For movies that I am really interested in, I scrupulously avoid reading about them or seeing behind the scenes photographs or watching "making of" documentaries. I like to go to the movies and be SURPRISED. I do not want every plot twist and important character development revealed in the trailer. The trailer should be a teaser! It should invite your curiosity to wonder what it is about so that you go to the movie. It is not a coincidence that some people think the trailers are the best part of going to the movies. It's because they give away all of the tasty nuggets of upcoming films for free!

Let me perform a little comparison for you. I am stepping into the Way-Back Machine for one of the best trailers ever. This was the trailer for 1979's "Alien". You can check out the trailer here:

http://www.retrojunk.com/movie/trailers/53-alien/52/#intro

or here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojhGdRSkiUw

Almost everyone who is interested in science fiction or scary movies has seen this movie by now. But imagine what it was like to see that trailer back in 1978 or 1979. There is no dialogue. There are no text overlays explaining what is happening. There is no music. There are just eerie sound effects and short, disjointed snippets from the film. It is scary. You really do not know what is going on. Even the last frame saying "In space no one can hear you scream." just adds to the mystery. You, the viewer, are trying to fill in the blanks with your imagination. Who are these people? What are they doing in space? Are they going insane? And what is up with that cat?

Do you see what I am talking about? It is intriguing!

Now let's compare that to something totally different. Let's take a look at the trailer for 1993's "Free Willy".

http://www.retrojunk.com/movie/trailers/176-free-willy/

Allow me to summarize: Killer whale captured at sea is imprisoned in an aquarium where he is befriended by a lonely boy who uncovers a plot to murder the whale. Boy enlists enigmatic Native American to whalenap Willy in a daring rescue that risks Willy's life to release him into the open ocean and return to his loving whale family.

That 2 minute trailer saved you from spending 112 minutes in the theatre. It was like taking a slice of turkey, a spoonful of stuffing, a bit of cranberry sauce, a dollop of mashed potatoes and some gravy, cramming it between two pieces of bread and wolfing it down during a commercial break instead of enjoying a satisfying Thanksgiving Day dinner over two hours.

Full Disclosure: I have never seen "Free Willy". Which is partially my point. Why would I bother to go see a movie that I know all about from the trailer? Where is the dramatic tension? Where is the emotional investment in wondering whether Willy lives or dies? And, no, this is not the same as seeing "Harry Potter" movies after reading the books. That is a totally different phenomenon.

I love going to the movies. But I want to be surprised when I go. It is one of the reasons I try to go opening weekend before I learn too much about a film. I understand that there are fans out there that want to know all about the movie before it is released. But that is like looking for (and finding) your Christmas gifts in your parent's closet. Part of the joy is in the anticipation and mystery of what will happen. If you already know everything from a two minute trailer, then why waste your money on a ticket?

Stay Snarky

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 - A No Spoilers Review

2010-11-19T11:04:00.000-05:00

I just got home from seeing the new movie "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1" for the second time in 12 hours. I saw it with my stepson at a midnight showing and then again at an IMAX theatre at 7:00 AM. Tickets to the IMAX were courtesy of a friend who won the tickets in a radio contest, but did not want to see HP7. (Weird, huh? But fortunate for us!) So, my stepson and I saw it for the second time and my wife saw it for the first time.

If you have not seen it, I will not give anything away, but here are some impressions:

- The opening scene with Hermione at her Muggle home sets the tone for the entire movie.

- There have been other emotional moments in the earlier Harry Potter movies, but this movie has more emotional depth than any of them. The emotions feel honest and realistic.

- This movie is dark. There are enough moments of levity so that it is not a constant downer all of the time, but our friends are in distress for most of the movie.

- The final scene is at a logical place and feels right.

- Even after sitting there for 2-1/2 hours, I was ready to stay for another 2-1/2 hours and watch Part 2.

- I don't know that you need to see this movie in IMAX, but the video and sound quality in IMAX is outstanding. I have seen the same movie in both IMAX and standard before (see yesterday's post), but never in this short a time frame. I definitely picked up more details in the sound effects seeing (and hearing) the movie in IMAX.

- The writer and director did a great job staying true to the book. I am glad that they split Book 7 into two movies to give it the time and attention it deserves. My only disappointment is that there is not enough time spent on the secondary characters. I rationally understand that the movies cannot be 8 hours long, but one of the things I love about the books is learning more about the other Weasleys, and Neville and Luna. Luna gets adequate screen time but I still feel like we missed something. The movies are great, but they will never replace the depth of the books.

So, my fellow Harry Potter fans, go see the new movie and enjoy!

Stay Snarky

Midnight Movie Premieres

2010-11-18T20:55:00.000-05:00

"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1" premieres tonight at midnight. I am going to see it with my stepson (whom I talked about recently here: ). I love going to the movies. There are some movies that I want to see so badly I will go to the midnight movie premiere. Part of this is so that I can see the movie before I am contaminated by any movie reviews. I prefer to see movies without any bias from a movie critic.

I will talk more about the new Harry Potter movie tomorrow. Today I am recalling some of my favorite midnight movie premieres.

Star Wars Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005): I was supposed to see this with my wife, stepson and stepdaughter. At the last minute my wife bailed on us, which actually worked out well because the theatre was packed! That empty seat between us gave us some breathing room. There were two people dressed in character as Darth Vader and Chewbacca. Before the movie Darth was chasing Chewie down the main aisle with a light saber, which was hilarious! This was one of the last movies shown at our small city's downtown movie theatre, which is a tragedy. That theatre is still sitting mothballed today.

The Matrix Reloaded (2003): Convinced my wife and a couple friends to go see this in IMAX at midnight on opening night. I was totally blown away. I saw "Reloaded" three more times in the regular theatre. Trinity with the Keymaster on the motorcycle, Morpheus' sword fight on the semis, Neo flying at hypersonic speeds to catch Trinity, there was just scene after scene of cinematic goodness. And the music was awesome as well!

The Matrix Revolutions (2003): A few months later I was back at the IMAX for the third installment of the Matrix Trilogy. Why is it that the third movie in a trilogy is almost always a letdown from the first two? I suppose it has something to do with relieving all of the dramatic tension created in the first films. In comparison to the four times I saw "Reloaded", I only saw this once in the theatre. So I am glad I saw it in IMAX. The most memorable scene to me was Trinity seeing the sun for the first time. That was a very emotional moment in a movie that tried to elicit emotions, but seemed devoid of them simultaneously.

Lord of the Rings - Return of the King (2003) (a/k/a Trilogy Tuesday):
Wow! The year 2003 was huge for movies. Although technically not a midnight movie premiere, I think it actually started at 10:00 PM, it still belongs here. I convinced five of my buddies to take the day off work with me and spend most of the morning in line and then all afternoon and night watching all three "Lord of the Rings" movies. What a blast! One cool memory: While waiting in line outside, some guy we just met got his laptop with a cellular modem from his car and we played Bookworm. The first two movies were shown with the extended editions that were not originally shown in theatres, but released on DVD. I crisply remember being able to tell which scenes had been added, which was awesome. We all received a gift for attending, which was a small display which had one frame of film from each of the movies framed within it.

I hope to add "Deathly Hallows" to this list in the future!

Stay Snarky

I Smell a Trap

2010-11-17T06:45:00.000-05:00

Conversation with my wife last night:

I am perusing a news website and see a photograph of Prince William and his fiancee Kate Middleton.

Me: Hey, that Kate Middleton is pretty good looking.
Wife: You haven't seen a picture of her before?
Me: No. Following the Royals is not high on my list of priorities. I expected that she would be pretty, but she is really attractive.
Wife: Why did you expect that?

Spidey-sense should have been tingling at this point but failed me miserably.

Me: He's the Prince of England. He's got plenty of options.
Wife: So you wish that you had plenty of options?

Oops. Too late. Trap has sprung.

Me: No, I think that you are beautiful, smart, sexy, a good cook...
Wife:

My wife is one of the most self-confident women I have ever met. She has raised our kids that way too. They have enough intrinsic self-worth and self-confidence between them to share it with the residents of a small country. So when these conversations occur it catches me by surprise.

To wit: Here is what I should have said last night -

Me to Wife:

Yes, you are right. I wish that I was the heir to the throne of England, had millions of dollars in the bank, the freedom to travel to Chile on an adventure trip, and have a family castle in Scotland. And be tall. And 28 again. And fly helicopters. Yep, that would be cool as hell.

But I am not. I am in my mid-40s with two kids in college, two houses, two jobs and one wife who seems to occasionally overlook the fact that I am still madly in love with her. Unfortunately, because of a Y-chromosome, I am still a guy. That means that I will periodically be distracted by pretty girls in commercials, pictures or movies. Even those that are completely unattainable by yours truly. This cannot be helped. This by no means diminishes how much I am devoted to my you. So if I occasionally say something insensitive that makes you think that I am ready to bolt and try to win the heart of the future Queen of England, I apologize.

I do not feel like I "settled" for you. I fell in love with you because you are attractive, confident, insightful and you make me a better man. For all I know Prince William "settled". He putzed around long enough waiting to propose to Ms. Middleton, so maybe she was the best he could do. Maybe no other chick wanted to put up with his nutty family and the paparazzi.

I love you and love being married to you. You are one of the best decisions I ever made.

Stay Snarky

One of My Favorite Actors - Mark Wahlberg

2010-11-16T20:28:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite actors is Mark Wahlberg. He is one of the few actors that I will make a point of seeing his movie, just because he is in it.

I saw him in his first leading role as the porn actor Dirk Diggler in "Boogie Nights". He was really good in it, but that is not the first movie that I really started to watch him. For all I knew at the time "Boogie Nights" could have been a one-hit wonder for him. It was when I saw him as the stressed out thief in the action-comedy "The Big Hit" that I realized that he was going to be around for a while. He manages a crew of professional thieves working for underworld boss Avery Brooks. He was brilliant! His wife says he is not making enough money, his partner is stealing bonuses from him and he cannot stand up to any of them. There is a scene where he is drinking Maalox straight from the bottle. He opens the medicine cabinet to return the bottle and it is loaded with more Maalox! Some of the movie was intentionally campy, but Wahlberg kept me believing in his character in all of his outrageous situations. This was the first movie where I told people, "You have to see Mark Wahlberg in 'The Big Hit' because he is amazing."

I thoroughly enjoyed watching him in "Invincible". I knew absolutely nothing about Vince Papale. The whole reason I saw that movie was because Mark Wahlberg was in it, and it was great! Yes the plot is a bit manipulative and could be considered formulaic, but Wahlberg as Papale is so damn believable you really want him to succeed. Even though his role in "The Departed" was small, when he is sharing the screen with actors like Matt Damon and Alec Baldwin, he still holds his own. In one scene he gets torqued off with Matt Damon and you would swear he was going to beat him down.

Most recently he was in "The Other Guys" with Will Ferrell. There are just too many funny bits in this movie to count. He and Ferrell play it straight, but they are hilarious. The scene in the squad room where they are arguing about who would win in a shark vs. lion battle is outstanding. It was like watching a crazy argument with your buddy over whether 'Star Trek' is better that 'Star Wars' or who would win a fight between Captain Picard and Captain Kirk.

I read an interview with him in Delta's Sky magazine where he talked about his preparations for the upcoming movie "The Fighter". He has devoted years to preparing for the role (traveling around with boxing training gear) and in arranging to get the movie made. That type of dedication to craft is very impressive. This movie is a personal accomplishment for him and I am looking forward to seeing it.

Stay Snarky

Top 5 Pet Peeves - Work Email

2010-11-15T06:38:00.000-05:00

Here are my top 5 pet peeves when it comes to work email:

1) Spell my name correctly - Especially when you are replying to an email I sent you. How hard is it to look at the signature or the return email address and spell my name correctly?

2) Put your work cell phone number in your signature file - I know that you think your email was so complete and so well written that it is impossible to imagine that someone might have questions, but in reality it was not. When you do not put your phone number in your email I have to look it up in the online telephone directory which is not always accurate, which wastes my time, and that annoys me. The company is paying for you to be accessible by that work cell phone number. Don't keep it a secret. If you do not want a work cell phone then talk to your manager or get a different job.

3) When forwarding an email chain say what you want - Please do not make me read a chain of 10 different emails that were strung together over the past month while you tried to figure out what the problem was and then send it all to me and expect to deduce what you want from me. Summarize the chain in YOUR email at the top and then say what it is you need me to do.

4) Use the spell checker - We all make typos and it is not a big deal, but if you know that you are a horrendous speller, then use the tool that the Microsoft Gods gave us and spell check your email. You will sound smarter, be better looking and smell great as a result.

5) Use the signature file on replies too - Alice sends Bob and Carol an email. Carol does a reply all and adds her insightful comments, but has no signature file in the reply. Thus, there is no easy way to know who Carol is, where she works and what her phone number is. Don't hide your light under a bushel! The signature file is your friend. It is free advertising for you. If you do not want to turn on replying with signature file, then at least put your phone number in your reply. (See item 2)

Stay Snarky

Movie Review - The Bounty Hunter (2010); Car Review - Delta 88 (1975)

2010-11-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

I rented The Bounty Hunter with Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston this past weekend and watched it with my wife. One sentence synopsis: Lighter version of Midnight Run with an ex-married couple as bounty hunter and bail jumper.

I seem to recall that this movie did not get a lot of favorable reviews, but I don't know why. It was very entertaining, albeit predictable. Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler both look great and were fun to watch. My wife laughed during a lot of it, so that is also a good sign. Jason Sudeikis is very funny in a supporting role as a hapless co-worker of Aniston's who is smitten with her. Christine Baranski is great as Aniston's showgirl mother.

One of my favorite things about the movie was not the story or the actors, but the car that Gerard Butler drove. It was a sky blue 1975 Delta 88 convertible. Aside from the color, that was my first car! I cannot help but think how totally impractical that car is in New York City. It was totally impractical in Michigan 25 years ago. That beast only got about 15 miles to the gallon. I recognized that car the instant I saw it in the movie. It is unmistakable for anything else.

I have a soft spot in my heart for that car although it was a money pit. A convertible just makes no sense in Michigan, where you really only have convertible weather about four months a year. If it was just your summer ride, then it would be awesome. As an all-season vehicle, not so much. Whenever possible I did repairs on it myself. I replaced the starter, the alternator, the water pump (twice), and the radiator. What I could not fix the Sears Auto Center did. It was probably the first and only impractical car purchase I ever made. My other cars have all been very reliable and functional.

By the time I am in a position to afford a "fun" car again I will be too old to look cool behind the wheel. Actually, the real reason is that I will never be able to convince myself that I could afford a car that was not practical year round and suitable for trips to Lowe's and camping. It suits me better to have the Swiss Army knife of cars instead of the vehicle that is really only good for summer drives along the lake.

Stay Snarky

We Can't All Be Jason Bourne

2010-11-13T18:24:00.000-05:00

It is one of those intrinsic guy things that when we watch a movie with Jason Bourne or James Bond we think that WE could BE that GUY. We rarely try to test that out. There just are not many real world opportunities to get into car chases in France or shootouts in Africa. But today I performed a small experiment that really drove home how tough it is to be that guy.

My stepson and I were hanging Christmas lights on the outside of the house today. We live in a typical four bedroom, two-story colonial. We do not do anything fancy, just a row of lights along the gutter on the second floor and a row of lights on the gutter on the first floor and garage. While on the roof we noticed how close our neighbors' roofs appear. We started speculating on whether it was possible to make the jump from one roof to the other, à la the free running that Jason Bourne or James Bond did in their movies.

I was not crazy enough to actually try jumping from one roof to another. So we did the next best thing. We measured the roof and the gap between the houses and then marked it on the sidewalk and yard. The gap from one roof to another was 13 feet. The roof of the garage was 18 feet wide. Depending on where you begin, you could get a running start of anywhere from 18 to 40 feet. I will tell you that 13 feet on the ground is pretty long.

My first attempt was pretty lame, I jumped about 7 feet. I haven't made a serious long jump attempt since probably high school. My stepson did almost 10 feet on his first try. To keep things in perspective, he has about 2 inches of height on me, is 25 pounds lighter and over 20 years younger. We made quite a few attempts and although I got better, my best jump was only 9 feet 9 inches. Which probably means that either a) I would smack into the wall of the other house or b) I might actually get my torso on the roof, my hands scrabbling to hold on. In our experiments I never tried diving face first into the lawn, so it is just a guess. When I made my best jump I was trying to imagine what it would be like being chased across the roof to get the adrenalin going.

My stepson, however, on his best jump, actually made 13 feet! It was an outstanding leap. As long as he falls face forward with his landing he actually makes that roof-to-roof jump.

This was a lot of fun for both of us. My stepson said he was not accustomed to seeing that much intensity on my face. It was fun for me to see him succeed at the "experiment". I didn't really expect to succeed, but it really made me appreciate how athletic you need to be to do this stuff for real. I have a long way to go to fulfilling that Jason Bourne fantasy.

Stay Snarky

Downward Cat

2010-11-12T18:21:00.002-05:00

Could this be the laziest cat ever?

Our cat finds the funkiest positions comfortable. Why would having his hindquarters on the step and his forelegs on the floor be comfortable? It's as if to say "Man, my back half had quite the workout. But my front half is ready to go."

He has another position in his cat tower where hangs his head over the lip of the top level. And he sleeps like that. For hours. I'm not sure but I think it traps the blood in his head and makes him high. I have read that some animals eat fermented fruit to get intoxicated, so maybe he his getting a little kitty buzz on.

It's Friday night. Maybe I'll get my kitty buzz on too.

Stay Snarky

Favorite Cartoons as an Adult

2010-11-11T21:07:00.000-05:00

In my last blog, I reminisced about some of my favorite cartoons when I was a kid. I still enjoyed cartoons when I got older. Here are some of them:

Batman Beyond - In my mind this was the first of the Batman cartoon reboots and I really enjoyed it. The animation was sharp and the relationship between Bruce Wayne as mentor and Terry McGinnis as student was really interesting.

Ren and Stimpy - Jon Kricfalusi blew my mind with this show. It was so creative, dark and innovative at the time. There was nothing else like it. The "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" song still makes me laugh. It got weird at the end of its run when John K. was not working on it. I think they lost sight of what made the show work, which was the relationship between Ren and Stimpy, and just made it weird.

Alf/Alf Tales - I absolutely loved this series! I watched the ALF TV show and was not sure how the animated show would be, but it was really entertaining. The dialog was great and the imagining of Gordon Shumway's home planet of Melmac was really cool. Reminded me a little bit of Terry Gilliam's Brazil. The Alf Tales episodes were reimagining of classic fairy tales, like Cinderella and Rumplestiltskin. The writers and animators found great ways to refresh those tired stories like imagining Cinderella's prince as a pop star.

Dexter's Laboratory - The episode where he "improved" Blue Falcon's dog Dynomutt was hilarious! I had to explain to my kids who Blue Falcon was and why this was so funny.

Phineas and Ferb - I found this by accident a couple years ago over Christmas break and was fortunate to record a marathon of episodes. It was so funny and creative that I doled out the episodes over two weeks only watching one or two a day until I got through them, savoring each one like a supply of Blizzards. This show has some of the most creative and imaginative music I have ever heard, let alone associated with a cartoon. I really enjoy the secret relationship between Ferb and Vanessa. This is probably the best all around cartoon as far as writing, animation, creativity, plot and music. I never get bored watching this show.

As long as there are still good cartoons being made, I will still watch them. I will never be too old to enjoy a quality cartoon.

Stay Snarky

Favorite Cartoons when I was a Kid

2010-11-10T23:27:00.000-05:00

Here is a list (in no particular order) of my favorite cartoons when I was a kid:

Speed Racer - Yes, the Mach 5 was one kickass ride. It seems to me that it inspired several James Bond cars and automotive-gadgetry. Every guy thought he could be Speed traveling the world, racing in grand prix and fighting villains.

Captain America - Captain America was one of my favorite super heroes. A lot of that is because you could pick up any garbage can lid, pretend it was a shield, and BAM! you are Captain America. Not to mention it had a totally awesome theme song. "When Captain America throws his mighty shield..." I am really looking forward to the movie version coming out in 2011 as part of the Marvel Avengers series. That will be a lot of fun.

Battle of the Planets - I cannot explain why I thought this show was so cool, but I did. I have some of the episodes on DVD and have not watched them in a while. Did you know that the voice of 7-Zark-7 was the same actor that played Wilbur on Mister Ed? Now you do.

Kimba the White Lion - One of the scariest episodes of cartoonage I ever saw was the episode where Kimba was captured by a giant spider. I do not recall how that episode ended except that I am sure that Kimba lived. I probably repressed it.

Superfriends - The animation was awful, the stories were frequently lame, and don't get me started on the Wonder Twins. But I still loved watching this cartoon. What I really liked was seeing the "cameos" by the less popular superheroes like Green Lantern, Black Vulcan and The Atom. I rarely bought comic books when I was a kid, but I loved reading them when I got a chance. So seeing Green Lantern on TV was really cool. He deserved his own show. I am glad he is finally getting his own movie.

The quality of animation now is so much better is not even comparable. But aside from the occasional Disney movie, there were not a lot of options back in the day. In my next installment - Favorite Cartoons as an Adult.

Stay Snarky

Due Date vs. The Hangover vs. Very Bad Things

2010-11-09T20:10:00.006-05:00

I took my wife to see Due Date last Friday afternoon. It was a good movie and very entertaining. Robert Downey, Jr. and Zach Galifianakis (yes, I spelled it correctly the FIRST time) did a fine job. You can read the synopsis here:

While discussing the movie with my wife on the way home I made some references to The Hangover, which I thought she had at least seen over my shoulder while I watched it. (To clarify: Our breakfast nook is next to the family room. My wife spends most of her time in the nook on her laptop. But she can see and hear the TV clearly from that vantage point. So even if she is not technically watching TV with me she is usually aware of what is happening.) But she had no recollection of it. So after dinner I rented The Hangover and we watched it together.

I thought The Hangover was just as funny the second time watching it. It may have even been funnier because I picked up some more of the dialogue or sight gags. Unfortunately it seemed to remind my wife of the movie Very Bad Things, which is similar in concept, but totally different in execution. Both movies are about bachelor parties in Las Vegas. Both movies have something go horribly awry early in the film and then spend the rest of the time trying to fix it. The similarities end there. At its best, Very Bad Things could be classified as a dark comedy. And when I say dark, I mean close your eyes, blindfolded in a closet at night dark.

That is not to say that she did not laugh at all during The Hangover, because she did. It would be difficult to not laugh at some of the scenes. But it is really a guy movie so she is not really the target audience. Due Date was definitely more female friendly even though it had its moments of guy humor.

It is funny how we can suspend our sensitivities about some things, but not others. I do not think she could suspend her memories of Very Bad Things to enjoy The Hangover. I remember after getting divorced it seemed like EVERY movie and TV show had a theme about divorce or relationships breaking apart. It was a constant reminder of something that I really did not need to be reminded of. Eventually your brain just stops letting you beat yourself up over crap like that and moves on to experiencing the story. It is a good thing that human beings have developed self defense mechanisms like this, or else we would just be moping around depressed at every mistake we ever made. So maybe the key is to watch The Hangover again sometime and try to supersede the memory of Very Bad Things.

Stay Snarky

White Demon Cat

2010-11-08T22:58:00.000-05:00

This is my cat Loki sleeping on my lap.

He looks very peaceful and calm does he not? He will sleep on my lap while I watch TV for hours. Some days I will be typing on the computer and he will wander around mewling at me until I go sit down in the family room where he can hop into my lap and have people-time.

While he slumbers he is a wonderful cat. And he does have some great qualities which I will expound upon at another time. However, his most annoying habit is that if I am not awake at his desired time in the morning, he will prance around and howl at me until I wake up and get out of bed. He has a set time in mind for me to get going in the morning and if I am not on schedule he lets me know. Having a furry alarm clock would not be so bad, except that for the past few weeks he thinks I should be awake about 90 minutes before I do.

I tried tossing him out of the bedroom and closing the door, but he figured out that if he bangs against the door enough it will pop open. So I blocked the door. Then he just bangs against the door to get my attention. I even tried going downstairs to feed him and then going back to bed. But no, that is not good enough either. About five minutes after feeding time he is back upstairs rousting me out of bed.

For two mornings now when he came in to wake me up too early, I trotted downstairs with him and locked him in his cat carrier. After sequestering him in the carrier in the laundry room I go back to bed for my extra 90 minutes. I feel badly about this. I am not a fan of people locking up their pets all day while they are at work, although I understand that it is necessary sometimes. I am hoping that it is just temporary and he will learn that he cannot continue to wake me up early. If he learns his lesson then he will regain his freedom. He is a wickedly smart cat, so I hope he learns the lesson quickly. We shall see.

Stay Snarky

Picture the Pantry for Posterity

2010-11-07T18:47:00.000-05:00

I took some pictures of the pantry before I went grocery shopping last week. I thought they might come in handy. I also thought it might be interesting to periodically document what is in the pantry for future generations to see what we ate. Someday I may look back and be surprised at all of the foodstuffs we kept in our pantry. That said, it really does not change much from week to week, except for holidays.

Top Shelf: Disposable stuff - paper towels, plastic spoons, aluminum foil and the like.

Second Shelf: Snacks like tortilla chips and crackers.

Third Shelf: Cereals, peanut butter and nutty stuff.

Fourth Shelf: Pasta and canned goods.

Fifth Shelf: Canned cat food, soup and other canned stuff.

Floor: Pop, juice and water.

With all the food we have in here, it never ceases to amaze me that I can open up the pantry doors, look inside and still say "Hmmm, nothing looks good."

Stay Snarky

Ice Cream vs. Beer

2010-11-06T21:42:00.000-04:00

I knew that my wife and kids were Catholic before I started living with them. Although I grew up with a lot of kids that were Catholic and went to Catholic school I did not know a lot about Catholicism. The one thing I did know was that you were supposed to give up things you liked to eat or drink for Lent. So as my first Easter approached with my future family I decided to give up two things that I enjoyed as a show of support: ice cream and alcohol. Later I found out that I was the ONLY one giving up anything Lent. My future wife had a different Lenten plan in place and the kids seemed oblivious about the whole thing despite going to parochial school. Regardless, once I made the commitment to sacrifice I felt pretty good about it and planned to stick with it.

My main point here is how much I missed ice cream and how little I missed booze during that first Lent. Mostly that is because I do not drink that much. I have an occasional beer or glass of wine at home. I have had a twelve pack last over a year because I just do not feel like having a beer. Usually I have one or two drinks if we go out to dinner on a weekend, and even then I can be OK with iced tea or Coke. I drink the most when I am with my guy friends. But Boys Nights Out with my local buddies are sporadic. My close friends live over 2-1/2 hours away, so I only see them every couple months. Hence my alcohol consumption is pretty sporadic. It was not as difficult as I expected to give up alcohol for 40 days.

Ah, but ice cream. That creamy cold deliciousness is my bane and my boon. (To be fair, I did not give up ALL desserts, just ice cream.) I will eat ice cream year round. Even if it is sub-zero outside I think nothing of having a couple scoops as a snack. When I was a kid I would have a huge bowl of it as often as possible in the summer. One of my favorite treats is a Dairy Queen Blizzard. Mmmmm...Blizzard. The guy that invented the Blizzard was a genius! A few months back when DQ was celebrating the 25th anniversary of the Blizzard, you could buy one at regular price and get a second for a quarter. I stocked up! At one point I had nine Blizzards in the basement freezer. I savored each one. I would pull one out, eat about a third of it and then put it back in the freezer for the next night. Those Blizzards lasted a long time.

I am a big fan of Coldstone Creamery, too. Although I am not a big fan of Coldstone prices, so I only go occasionally. But I am the only one in my family that appreciates the awesomeness that is Coldstone. The rest of my family thinks it is "too creamy" or "has too much stuff in it". Heathens they are. I once had such a craving for Coldstone I drove to one north of home only to arrive just after they closed at 9:00 PM. Undeterred, I called the next closest one, which was a few miles south of home. I drove there and then waited in the store with other Coldstone fans for over 30 minutes on a Wednesday night until after they closed so I could get my Coldstone fix.

After the end of the Easter celebration I broke my Lenten fast with ice cream and a beer (not at the same time, mind you). The beer was refreshing and satisfied that small part of my brain that is soothed by alcohol. But my whole being was happy to finally enjoy the sweet savory goodness that is ice cream. If I were faced with the choice to give up beer or ice cream for the rest of my life, it would be a sacrifice to leave beer behind, because there are many that I do enjoy. But I would be devastated to never walk into a Baskin Robbins or Coldstone or Dairy Queen. Here's hoping I never have to worry about it.

Stay Snarky

I Admit It - The Ticket Was All My Fault

2010-11-05T20:44:00.000-04:00

About 11 years ago my future wife and I were living together in a suburb just outside of Detroit. One of our co-workers arranged for a wine tasting party at a microwinery in a suburb that would normally be about a 45 minute drive from home. As I recall, the wine tasting was after work on a Friday in December. The wine tasting was a lot of fun. As you might expect, once people are warmed up they want to keep the party going. So, we migrated the party to a bar even farther out in the 'burbs. At the new locale everyone is having a great time eating, drinking, conversing, and cavorting. Especially yours truly. I do not recall what I drank or the quantities but liquid happiness was coursing through my veins most pleasantly.

As the evening progressed snow started falling and accumulating fairly quickly. By the time my girlfriend/future wife cajoled me out of the restaurant, there was probably 4 inches of fresh snow and it was still coming down. I was in absolutely no condition to drive. I was barely in condition to walk. I did the smart thing and handed my car keys over. My sweetie had never driven my car and certainly not in inclement weather. Nevertheless, we proceeded home.

A drive that would normally take an hour took almost two hours. The snow was falling steadily, the roads were slick and it was dark. We were driving down the last stretch of road before we turn on to our street. She was doing 20 MPH on a 35 MPH road, so not speeding by any stretch of the imagination. There is one stop light between us and home, she taps the brakes in plenty of time and still slides through the yellow/red light. In an instant, there are flashing lights behind us. It was as if Mr. Policeman was staking out that single light waiting for someone.
My sweetie pulls over. The officer approaches. She rolls down the window. The aroma of alcohol pours out of the car. Mr. Policeman asks my sweetie to step out of the car for a sobriety test.

Most people have seen enough episodes of Adam-12 or CHiPs or any other cop show to know the routine for a sobriety test. Or you have practiced some of the tests, like reciting the alphabet backwards, in college. But not my sweetie. She was a total naif in this situation. She didn't know how to do the "touch your nose" test. She was wearing high heels and a dress trying to walk a straight line on an icy road, mostly successfully. She refused to do the "recite the alphabet backwards" test because even sober (which she was) she could not do it. I do not recall any of this. I have a vague recollection of sitting in the car watching events unfold, but not having any idea of what to do to help without being shot.

To add insult to injury, the local constabulary must have had NOTHING better to do, because two other police cars showed up for "support". So, there were three sets of police officers observing the situation.

Mr. Policeman was frustrated because although she was slightly belligerent, she was clearly not intoxicated. The officer walks over to the window looks down and says, "Sir, have you been drinking tonight?", to which I replied "Oh, yeah." He grudgingly gave my sweetie a ticket for a moving violation for running the red light. I say grudgingly, because I think he had high hopes for throwing her in jail, impounding the car and seizing her license.

I was sorry she got the ticket and I knew it was unfair, but I felt like I did the right thing: I did not drive while intoxicated. I gave my keys to the sober person like a responsible adult. So, after four days of dealing with the silent treatment, I finally asked "Are you still mad because you got a ticket?" And then the pent up anger was released. "Of course I'm still mad! I had to do a sobriety test in the snow in high heels and a dress because YOU drank too much!" Eventually she more or less forgave me, but to this day she reminds me about it. The anger is gone and it is just a funny story now. It is also a great cautionary tale for our young adult children.

So, let me say to one and all, definitively, without reservation: The red light ticket WAS my fault and I am sorry the cops did not figure out that I was the drunk one sooner.

Stay Snarky

Sport Seasons are Too Long

2010-11-04T19:03:00.000-04:00

I am probably breaking some sort of Man Law here, but I really hate that sport seasons are so long. Baseball starts in March and depending on how playoffs go, it might not end until November. Yes, November. When it is freezing outside. They are called the "Boys of Summer", not the "Boys for All Seasons". Baseball should start when the trees start blooming and end before the leaves change color and fall off. You should be able to see a night game (or a day game) without fear of freezing your butt off.

Don't get me started about hockey. I love watching hockey with my buds, but the fact that the playoffs are in JUNE is simply ridiculous. Hockey should be done before spring training starts for baseball. If you count pre-season and playoffs, hockey is played for 10 MONTHS out of the year. That is not a season, it is a light prison sentence. If the NHL wants to get more people to watch hockey, maybe they could start by making it more relevant to the season in which it was meant to be played! It is played on ICE for heaven's sake. If there is no chance for natural ice outside in northern cities like Detroit and Chicago, then hockey season should be OVER!

Why, oh why, is the NFL trying to create an 18 game season? I love that pro football is played only once a week and it is over in four or five months, with playoffs. I appreciate that I am not bombarded with games every night. Besides, NFL players take a beating over 16 weeks. I cannot imagine that playing two more regular season weeks is going to be good for their health or careers.

Basketball season is just as bad as hockey as far as length of season. And why is it played in the winter anyway? It is played inside in air conditioning. Kids play the sport outside in the spring and summer. Wouldn't it make more sense to overlap the season with baseball? It would also open up opportunities to do stuff like hockey does with a couple outdoor games each season. Imagine the Detroit Pistons and Chicago Bulls playing a pick-up game on a court in an open air stadium. That would be really awesome!

The seasons all used to be shorter. They have progressively become longer and longer. Eventually, they will all be played 11 months out of the year and the players will only get a four week vacation to rest up before the new season starts. I know why this is: It is the money. Longer seasons mean more games which means more revenue for the broadcasters, owners and players. But you know, there are diminishing marginal returns. At some point those extra games simply do not make sense. I would much rather see shorter seasons where the players are fired up for every game, instead of watching them slog through interminably long seasons just trying to make it to the playoffs.

Stay Snarky

We Need a Flu Pandemic

2010-11-03T22:54:00.000-04:00

This is a really, REALLY dark position to take, but I think that the solution to a lot of our economic woes is a flu pandemic. If 5% of the population keeled over in the next six months it would be an economic boon to the country. Part of the problem with the economy is too many people and too few jobs. I do not see a significant number of jobs being created in the near future, therefore, we need fewer people. Since this isn't Soylent Green or Logan's Run, I suggest just letting nature take its course with the flu. We are overdue for a pandemic of some kind anyway.

If 15 million people were taken out of the job pool that would eliminate unemployment. Not to mention all the work that would be created for funeral directors, hospitals, casket manufacturers and crematoriums. Sure, most of that would be temporary, but I'm sure funeral directors would appreciate the extra work.

In the medium to long term there would be a slew of job openings that would need filling. As people advance into new positions they make more money, which gives them more disposable income, which leads to buying new stuff, which causes businesses to hire more people and so on.

So if the next flu strain is totally new and the flu shot is not working its resistant magic, it may not be a totally bad thing.

Stay Snarky

A Thought for the Next Election Cycle

2010-11-02T19:12:00.000-04:00

There are many things one could wish for in the next election cycle. Cooperation, bipartisanship and compassion are just a few. I don't know think there is a single word that describes it, but here is the idea: I want the candidates to agree on the facts.

Wouldn't it make all of our lives better if our politicians could agree on the facts and then state their positions accordingly? I am OK if you disagree with me on principle. I relish the idea that we can have a discussion based on our differences. But it makes it impossible to do that if we cannot agree on the facts. I may think that the Corvette Stingray is the greatest American sports car ever. You may think that the Pontiac GTO is the best. Although we have a difference of opinion, we can agree on the facts of things like horsepower, acceleration, and torque. We can debate the positives and negatives of each of those items. We may never come to agreement but we can at least talk about it intelligently.

It is really irritating that we cannot do the same with politics. The most basic elements of discussion cannot be agreed upon. Many of these elements are complicated. What caused the recession? Why is unemployment so high? Why are so many mortgages in default? Were any laws broken? But if we cannot agree on the facts of how we got here, how can we agree on a plan to move forward?

It feels like we are doomed to repeating cycles of emotional voting because the facts are elusive or simply ignored. Imagine what it would be like if candidates agreed on a single source of facts before campaigning. Kind of like deciding which dictionary to use when playing Scrabble. If there was a source of facts from a joint effort between major universities, then the candidates could debate on the merits of their plans and not just on calling the other person a liar. The quality of debate and even the quality of candidates would improve significantly.

Stay Snarky

A Halloween Memory

2010-11-01T22:54:00.000-04:00

When I started living with my now wife and stepkids, I made a lot of effort to get to know the kids better and spend time with them. I really wanted to be a good stepfather. So, when my first Halloween came around I went all out. I thought it would be cool to dress up for Halloween to walk around the neighborhood with the kids. My stepdaughter was eight years old and my stepson was eleven. Thinking ahead (for a change) I rented a costume and bought make up. I made sure to get advice from the costume place about applying the makeup so that it would look right. I kept it a secret from the kids until Halloween. I disappeared into the bathroom before Trick or Treat time, applied my makeup and donned my costume. The finished result is here:

I am geeked like you cannot believe. I think that the kids are going to be thrilled. Not like other lame parents (or pseudo-parents) following their kids around in street clothes, I am all made up with a cool costume, great makeup and a prop. It was not a disaster, but it was disappointing.

First, my stepson wanted to go Trick or Treating with his friend from downstairs. OK, that's fine. I understand that. Even when your pseudo-parent is dressed up and looks cool as hell you would rather go Trick or Treating with your friend. I was sure that my stepdaughter would still want me to take her around. But no. She wanted to go with her brother and his friend. Of course they wanted nothing to do with an eight year old girl. Since they didn't want her, she did not want to go. If she could not go with them, she would not go Trick or Treating. No amount of cajoling or encouragement could get her to change her mind. I would walk with her as far as she wanted. No deal. She could go to as many houses as she wanted. Nope. She was going to miss out on all of that great candy. Don't care, not going.

In the end, I think we went to one house right next door and she called it quits.

What did I learn?

1) Just because you think something is really cool, doesn't mean your kids will.

2) Disappointment stings the most when you are trying to be a good parent and your kid is not cooperating.

3) Not to give up. Even though Halloween was a blow I still kept trying. I watched hours of Pokemon and Dragonball Z, helped with school projects and attended all sorts of school events. It took a long time, but I slowly made progress.

Stay Snarky.

Lots of Unhappy Men in the World - It's the Man's Fault

2010-09-03T11:01:00.000-04:00

Continuing with my theme about men being unhappy because their wives cannot stand them, here is my alternative point of view.

Whilst sitting around the campfire at Summer Camp, one of the fellas raised the question "Who is happy being married"? My hand shot up, along with a couple other guys. It was then followed with a discussion about being married. The discussion turned to things like Valentine's Day. I queried, "Don't you guys do anything for your wives on Valentine's Day"? One retort was "It's a Hallmark Holiday, screw that".

On a previous event, the question was raised "Would you buy feminine hygiene products for your wife if she asked"? One response: "Hell no! If she can't remember that crap, it is not my problem".

It is no wonder some of these guys aren't getting any action.

On the subject of buying feminine products for the women in my house, this is a non-issue. I'm already buying breakfast cereal, bath tissue, and laundry detergent. If it is possible to impress women at the grocery store, I am not sure what that cart looks like, but it does not look like mine. I think there is way more value in buying something my wife needs to make her comfortable, instead of hassling her about her delinquent shopping abilities. (On that same note, I did impress the young lady bagging my groceries that I was buying feminine products for my wife. SO, IN YOUR FACE, FELLAS!)

On the subject of holidays, there are four holidays that cannot be forgotten: Wife's Birthday, Wedding Anniversary, Christmas and Valentine's Day. They do not require a fortune to be spent, or a trip to the fragrance counter at Macy's, or a trip to the jewelry store. They all only require one thing: some thought. Sometimes I go for the straightforward gift of perfume. Sometimes I get more creative and buy my wife new books. Sometimes it is just a card or flowers. I am not always successful, but I am usually thoughtful.

One of my friends, justifiably so, said "I show my wife I love her every day, I don't need Valentine's Day to remind me". How true that is, and I totally support that viewpoint. But you know, it does not kill any guy to spend 10 minutes in the store buying a card that says "I love you and thanks for putting up with me for the other 364 days of the year". If you are a total jackass those other 364 days a year, one card is not going to make it all better. But if you have been busy or inattentive or lazy for a while, a holiday can be a reminder to pick your game up.

Stay Snarky

Lots of Unhappy Men in the World - It's the Woman's Fault

2010-09-03T10:28:00.000-04:00

In the past month I have had two testosterone filled weekends with my buddies. One was my semi-quarterly Boys Night Out. (If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen some of my tweets about BNO a couple weeks ago.) The other was Summer Camp at Anarchy Island.

BNO is a handful of guys that used to work together. We try to meet four times a year to have drinks, shoot pool or darts and kibbitz about work and family. The Summer Camp crew is comprised of my West Michigan friends with whom I go Winter Camping and watch hockey and football games as often as possible.

It is no wonder to me that the divorce rate is purportedly 50%. Because it seems that at least half of my pals are unhappy. Most of s have been married about the same length of time (10-ish years). A few of us are on second marriages. There seems to be a consistent theme that some of my peeps are in the Divorce Danger Zone. The specifics seem to vary, but one common thread seems to be this: Their wives cannot stand them.

OK, that seems to be pretty logical. But the reason their wives cannot stand them is the part that concerns me. The reason is this: They still have the same men they married. Confused? Let me clarify.

For example, one of my buddies smokes too much and occasionally drinks too much. He can get a little boisterous at parties. I am not endorsing this behavior, just establishing it as a fact. He has been like this ever since I have known him. I am pretty sure that he was like this before I met him. He for sure was like this before his wife married him. So why is she annoyed that he smokes and drinks too much?

One of my other friends spends time with his guy friends every week. Whether it is watching football, playing street hockey or having a few beers. He has consistently spent time with his guy friends every week forever. Yet, it sounds like that his wife thinks he spends too much time with his guy friends. Why?

These are not bad guys. As far as I know, none of them are physically or mentally abusive. Despite their flaws, they still spend time with their kids and spouses. I will grant you that they are probably not the most sensitive or attentive guys in the world. And they were probably more of both when they were younger and in pursuit of their wives. But substantially, they are the same men their wives married.

Maybe there were different expectations when they married. Maybe the guys promised to stop smoking and drinking and hanging out with their pals. Maybe the wives thought their men could be morphed into more attentive husbands and found out later they could not. Maybe the women emotionally and spiritually matured while the men did not.

Most of my guy friends that are in the DDZ want things to get better. They do not want to get divorced, but they sense that trying to improve things is a lost cause. They are too far down the path to divorce to work things out. I really hope that is not the case.

Whatever the case, there are a lot of unhappy men out there.

Stay Snarky

Snarky in the City - Epilogue

2010-08-15T07:49:00.000-04:00

Just some last thoughts from the trip to New York City, before I forget them:

MOMA - The Museum of Modern Art is a MUST SEE, if you love art that is. Be prepared for the Yoko Ono exhibit near the main gallery called Voice Piece for Soprano. It is an audio piece that asks visitors to scream into a microphone. When you are in another part of the museum, it is disturbing as hell to hear people randomly screaming. Here is the weird thing about it: If you are in that gallery watching people walk up to the microphone, it is amazing. Patrons seem tentative and unsure if it is OK to do it. In my opinion, the piece becomes meaningful watching people interact with it. I took video of my daughter and it was amazing to watch.

TAXIS - Taxis in NYC rock! For roughly $5 to $30 you can step to a curb, hop into a yellow car and go almost anywhere. To a guy that lives in a suburb of Detroit, that is pretty amazing. They drive aggressively, so make sure to strap yourself in.

SUBWAYS - Another awesome form of transportation! For around $8 you can buy a one-day fun pass and ride the subway anywhere in the city. This is definitely the way to go. If you are going to be in the city all day, get the MTA fun pass. Also, be aware that the schedule changes on the weekend, so pay attention.

WALKING - I did not see any fat people in NYC. It must be because they walk almost everywhere. If I lived here, I would be in amazing shape.

FOOD - Kind of expensive. Not ridiculously so, just more than what you would expect. Although we did almost eat at a restaurant on Sunday that wanted to charge $18 for basically a $6 Denny's breakfast. Buyer beware!

PEOPLE - Despite what you have heard, New Yorkers seem pretty polite to me. Admittedly, I was not walking around or riding the subway at 3:00 AM, but I did not see any aberrant or rude behavior.

This was my second trip to New York City. The best endorsement I can give is this - I want to go back again.

Stay Snarky

Unforgiven

2010-08-08T09:10:00.000-04:00

In the span of an hour, I planned and destroyed a romantic evening with my wife in New York City yesterday. I spent the last 18 hours agonizing over trying to repair it. Finally, I realized at 6:30 am today that it cannot be resurrected. Time is a broken cup that cannot be glued back together.

I texted my wife yesterday at lunch and asked if she wanted to do the Empire State Building tour with me after Sparklecorn. She said 'yes'. What text messaging cannot convey is the subtext of that 'yes'. It was a 'yes' that said 'my husband has spontaneously asked me to do something romantic!'

An hour later my stepdaughter, Elaine, texts me and asks me to take her to the Top of the Rock. We had attempted it Friday afternoon, but the wait was too long and we had to get ready for Friday night parties. I had already done the Rock earlier, because she and her mom were sleeping in. I should have said 'OK, I will come get you', and just done it again. But instead I invited her to the ESB with her mom. And then the trip to NYC went sideways.

I didn't know my wife was not attending any conference sessions on Saturday. I didn't know she wanted to be invited to go touring with me and Elaine that afternoon. What I did know was that when I got to our room to pick up Elaine, I knew I had made catastrophic errors. There were very few words, but much was said. There was no yelling, but I wish there had been.

I ruined our romantic outing by inviting our daughter. I ruined what could have been a pleasant excursion through NYC by not inviting her. I didn't ask if I should invite Elaine to ESB, because I assumed my wife wouldn't want to leave her in the hotel. I didn't invite my wife to go touring because I assumed she had conferences to attend.

My assumptions put me into Purgatory.

To put it into context: Elaine and I rode the subway, missed our stop, made it to Central Park, got lost walking to the Met, and then had a whirlwind visit of the Met.

Walking through Central Park Saturday afternoon was like slogging through a desert compared to the peace I felt strolling through the Park on Friday morning. Visiting the Met was a chore next to the joy I felt at the MOMA.

I wanted to go back in time to that moment where I could have prevented these mistakes. And I desperately wanted my wife's forgiveness.

As I write this, she is sleeping. When she awakes, she will probably have forgiven me. Because that is the wonderful woman she is. But I can never fix the day that never was. Even if we return to New York, I will never recapture that moment before it all went wrong. So, somehow, I will need to forgive myself.

Stay Snarky

Sent from my iPhone

Snarky in the City - Part 4

2010-08-08T07:57:00.000-04:00

After the Top of the Rock, Ii made a quick stop at the hotel to check in on my wife and stepdaughter (both still sleeping). Then I went off to navigate the NY subway system. The Metro Card machine balked at my debit card and only wanted to give me $6 change for an $8.25 card (which seemed a bit unfair) so I walked to the next station across 7th Ave, where I succeeded.

Woot! I rode the subway to Greenwich Village. This is part of my quest to get a feel for the 'real' New York. I walked past Parsons - The New School, where Project Runway is taped. Well, I thought I did. Then I crossed the street and saw a different building with the same 'The New School' sign. So Parsons has extensions all over. I could have looked up the 'real' location on my phone, but I opted to let it go and think I was close to where Heidi and Tim critique and cheer hopeful designers.

I had no itinerary. I wandered through a historic district of brownstones and ended up near a Greenwich Ave outdoor market of hats, bags, food, sunglasses and Log Cabin Republicans. I ate a samosa and pondered the seemingly oxymoronic (to me) state of being gay and Republican.

I took a break in a small coffee shop with a large, spiced, iced chai latte that only cost $4ish instead of $6ish at a chain.

Although I am trying to mix touristy and normal stuff, I have come to realize that there are tourists EVERYWHERE. I saw multiple tour buses offloading and onboarding sightseers. My taste of Greenwich Village was sated, so I
I walked 7th Ave to 14th Street down to Union Station and took the subway uptown. My plan was to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Stay Snarky

Sent from my iPhone

Snarky in the City - Part 3

2010-08-07T11:43:00.000-04:00

While my wife and daughter slept in today, I headed over to the Top of the Rock at Rockefeller Center to check out the skyline. John D. Rockefeller, Jr. started construction AFTER the stock market crashed in 1929. What an amazing investment in the rebuilding of New York. We could use an army of Rockefellers now to build the economy back up now.

The view is outstanding. And similar to Central Park, it is very peaceful up there. At least it was first thing in the morning. I did not buy a viewing guide, so it was a very pleasant surprise, when I saw the Statue of Liberty off to the right of the Empire State building. It is something special to see two of America's icons from that perch.

It is astonishing what people have accomplished here in New York. Not every building is an architectural gem. But even the ones that lack a design aesthetic still took months or years of effort to build.

Sent from my iPhone

Snarky in the City - Part 2

2010-08-06T20:45:00.000-04:00

My stepdaughter abandoned Blogher for the afternoon, so we walked over to the Museum of Modern Art. Unbelievable. Matisse. Monet. Picasso. Kandinsky. Mondrian. All in one building. It almost makes me weep.

I studied many of these artists in my college art history class. A slide projector displaying a Mondrian on a screen while I try not to doze in the dark, simply does not convey the intensity of the piece.

We saw 'Dance' by Matisse, which must cover 80 square feet of wall. We saw 'Water Lilies' by Monet which is as long as a stretch limousine. Seeing them in a book or on TV just does not do them justice.

People were having their pictures taken next to Van Gogh's 'Starry Night' like it was a cardboard cutout of Bono or President Obama. It gives me hope for humanity that there are still art lovers in the world.

Sent from my iPhone

Snarky in the City - Part 1

2010-08-06T11:12:00.000-04:00

While my wife and daughter are attending Blogher 10 at the New York Hilton, I am exploring the surrounding area. First stop - Central Park.

This must be an awesome place to go as a kid. The exposed rock formations look prehistoric. Like lava that bubbled up and cooled. You could totally believe that you are an explorer or a treasure hunter. When the sun glints off the schist, it looks like gold or diamonds.

I walked up to the Strawberry Fields memorial. If you didn't know it was there you would walk right past or over it. It is a little weird seeing people have their pictures taken while standing, sitting or lying or lying on the Imagine mosaic. But maybe Lennon would have appreciated the casual regard for the space dedicated to him.

Something cool happened near the mosaic. Some Asian guys in suits performing choreography. It looked like they were making a low budget music video. They acquired a very appreciative, impromptu audience. When they finished, we applauded.

Central Park is so peaceful. New Yorkers must cherish it like a holy place.

My exploration time here is done. Time to walk back to the Hilton for lunch.

Sent from my iPhone

The Curiosity of Tattoos

2010-06-28T23:12:00.000-04:00

Recently, I was at a water park and had the opportunity to observe a multitude of tattoos on various people. I appreciate that tattoos are very personal forms of expression that may not need explanation beyond the person wearing them. However, I still think that some tattoos could be better executed so that they make more sense. Particularly if they are on your back, where you are using your obverse as a quasi-billboard.

So, in no particular order, here are some of the tattoos I observed along with some commentary.

There was the guy with "SERENITY" tattooed in big letters across his shoulder blades. What does that mean? Is he seeking serenity? Is it his wife/girlfriend/daughter's name?

Then there was the guy with his three kids' names and birthdays tattooed on his right shoulder. Now call me silly, but if you have trouble remembering your kids' birthdays, wouldn't it make more sense to put them someplace where you don't need two mirrors to see them? Like maybe your forearm?

There was also the lady who had what I am assuming is a rough likeness of her daughter on her shoulder, with the words "Mommy's Little Angel" tattooed above it. The girl was sleeping, had angel wings and a halo. To me, the halo appeared broken. But I am not sure if that was symbolic, or if part of the tattoo faded. I did not see any dates around the tattoo, so I am assuming it was not a memorial to her deceased daughter. But it is ambiguous nonetheless. What was the appropriate response? "Awwww, they are so cute when they are sleeping!" or "Awwww, how sad, my condolences on your loss."?

I also question the rationale of the two guys (observed separately, not together thankfully), with the Joker (Heath Ledger version) tattoos. I'm sorry, you are memorializing a fictional, murderous, sociopath with a permanent image on your body? Just what does that say about your priorities? Who are you trying to impress with that?

I stood behind a guy with a bull charging out of his shoulder blade with the word "TRUST" next to it. The bull also had an ear tag with the letter "N". I get that the letter "N" is probably an initial, but I have no idea what "trust" has to do with a raging bull.

I saw a few people with cross tattoos, which is perfectly fine. But one woman had a tattoo of a large cross with angel wings. Ummm, the cross is not pious enough? Do you really think it was necessary to add wings to make it MORE religious?

Some tattoos need no explanation and are appreciated completely on their own merits. The young lady with the line of hollow stars leading from her abdomen to below her bikini line created some curiosity. Are there only stars below the bikini line? Just where do they lead exactly? You see now, that's the kind of ambiguity I can tolerate.

If you are going to get a tattoo, I say "Go for it. Express yourself." But please put some thought into it. Don't become the topic of someone's blog.

Stay Snarky.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-23T06:17:00.000-04:00

The Challenge of Being a Stepfather

2010-06-20T08:52:00.000-04:00

There is a particular challenge in being a stepfather. You are a guy who steps into a ready-made family, where you are given responsibility, but no initial authority. Since today is Father's Day, I am sharing some of the key things I learned about being a stepfather.

You are the Interloper - Just Go with the Flow
When you marry a woman with kids, remember that you are really marrying ALL of them, not just her. For years, they have been developing routines and traditions, some of which will make no sense to you. My advice is this - just go with the flow. Right out of the gate, do not try to reshape the family unit to your vision of what it should or could be. You will just end up frustrated. If you are lucky, you will be able to nudge it towards your vision, but be prepared for the long haul. You need to adapt to them, not the other way around.

If they eat dinner at 9:00 PM every night and that drives you nutty, then eat a snack at 6:00 PM and get over it. Nobody ever died from eating dinner at 9:00 PM. Even better, start cooking dinner when you want to eat. If you make dinner when you are hungry, usually everyone else will show up. Which leads to my next piece of advice...

Cook What they Like - Even if it is Boring
I love fried chicken. Early on in my stepfatherhood I made fried chicken for dinner just like my mom made it when I was a kid. Take some chicken legs, thighs and breasts, dip them into seasoned flour and then fry them up in a big skillet. I thought this would be a great bonding moment; me sharing a piece of my culinary history with my new family. It was a disaster. First the kids cried, because they were not accustomed to eating chicken off the bone. I'm not sure that they were even used to SEEING chicken on the bone. (It was always chicken nuggets or boneless chicken breast.) Then my wife cried because the kids were crying and she could see I was unhappy. So, basically everyone is crying and I am confused, because all I did was make a fried chicken dinner. Why can't they just eat it and be happy?

Over time, I just learned to make what they liked to eat. Which led to some pretty boring menus, but at least nobody cried at dinner. Nine years later, the core of our weekly menu still consists of chicken piccata, pasta, meatloaf, tacos, pizza and fish. Yes, I cannot wait until the kids finally move out so that I can make more interesting dinners. There is a cooking class with my name already pre-registered. But until then, everybody eats and nobody cries.

Mom will Always Take Their Side - Go to Your Happy Place and be Quiet
It was a major shock to me the first few times I argued with my wife over some issue with the kids. If you think that it is written down somewhere that parents will always show a united front against the kids, you are sadly mistaken. The vast majority of the time, my wife took the kids' side against me, even when I knew with absolute certainty that I was right. Repeatedly, I would say to my wife "Can't you just throw me a bone and be on MY side once in a while?" She would reply with a look that it no uncertain terms indicated "No".

The issue was usually some infraction over a chore that was not done, or some rude behavior. On its own, it was nothing, but somehow it acquired a level of perceived importance completely out of proportion to its actual importance. And that is when the wheels fall off the bus and you start yelling about something that is really not important at all, but you figure that you gave in on 32 things before this issue and, damn it, you are not caving on this no matter what the consequences.

Do not fall into this trap. Just let it go.

Eventually, I gave up fighting it. Even if I knew I was right, it was easier to just let it go instead of trying to win. My dad (also a stepfather) told me once, "You cannot argue with crazy people. You will never win." The same can be said about arguing with kids. I am not always successful in not arguing, but I am better at it than I was.

This is not a game with winners and losers, it is life. It is a household with either peace or chaos, and it is a lot easier to live in peace. So, unless your kid is doing something that is dangerous to themselves or property, go hide in your shed/man cave/basement, calm down, and talk to your wife about it later.

Not so Final Words
If I could go back in time to the Snarky of 10 years ago and give him some advice before marrying a woman with two kids, my advice would NOT be "Don't do it! Run!" The past nine years have been incredibly rewarding and I am a better person because of it. However, I would tell him "Lower your expectations for yourself and everyone else. When you think you are going off the deep end, calm down and ask - Is this really so important? Do you really want to be remembered by your kids as the guy who yelled about dirty dishes in their bedrooms every day for 10 years?" Probably not.

Happy Father's Day and Stay Snarky

The Diminishing Value of Graduation

2010-06-05T16:17:00.003-04:00

I stopped at the Hallmark store to buy a birthday card and some graduation cards. I was bemused to find graduation cards for the following milestones:

Preschool
Kindergarten
Middle School
Junior High

Seriously? Since we do we need to recognize kids graduating from Preschool or Kindergarten? Isn't it just EXPECTED that they will be promoted from taking naps and eating paste to staying awake for 7 hours and doing worksheets?

Graduating from high school is a significant milestone and it deserves to be recognized. I think that by recognizing lesser 'milestones' we diminish the value of true milestones. We also set the expectations for our kids that they will be rewarded or recognized at every turn for things that should just be expected.

Secret Holds in the Senate Make Me Angry

2010-06-03T23:27:00.000-04:00

Every time I hear a story about these anonymous blocks in the Senate on President Obama's nominees, it makes my blood pressure skyrocket. I am angry at both Republicans for being cowards and perpetrating this travesty and I am angry at the Democrats for not having the balls to stand up to the Republicans.

You can read about it on the NPR website here:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=127368817

and here:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126536477&ps=rs

This practice of "secret holds" must come to a stop. If you have a problem with a nominee, then have the courage to stand up and state your opinion. If you are too chicken to do that, then keep you secret hold to yourself and go pout in your office.

The fact that the Republicans have prevented over 100 nominees from being confirmed is just ridiculous. There is no excuse for obstructing these nominees other than sour grapes over losing the election in 2008. The Republicans are basically using this as a stall tactic. They think that by obstructing President Obama at every turn, they can limit his effectiveness until the next Presidential election, when the Republicans think they will have a shot at taking back the White House.

I do not understand why the Democrats have not called the Republicans to task on this. If the Republicans are threatening a filibuster over a nominee, MAKE THEM DO IT! The threat of a filibuster should not be enough to block a nominee. The Democrats should be making hay of this issue every day. Every time they are in front of a news reporter they should be stating how many nominees are still being blocked by anonymous Republican holds. Maybe eventually the Republicans will be shamed into doing the right thing. If not, then at least the American people will know what the Republicans are doing.

Life Lessons from Mom

2010-06-02T19:12:00.000-04:00

I see this mom and daughter walking to the church festival. Mom is puffing away on a cigarette and daughter, who is about five years old, is holding her free hand. Just before they get to the church property line, mom takes the 3/4 of her remaining cigarette and tosses it on the ground.

I wonder to myself, what are the lessons that her daughter derived from this situation?

a) Smoking cigarettes is cool
b) Littering is fine
c) Wasting most of a cigarette is OK

Not sure what mom was thinking. Not sure what her daughter was thinking. I know I was thinking that there was nothing positive about that moment except that mom stopped smoking for whatever time they would be at the festival. Maybe that was enough.

The Difference Between Men and Women - Part 1

2010-06-01T20:52:00.002-04:00

Self-perception is one of the big differences between men and women. Next time you watch a movie or TV show, do an experiment. See how you or your spouse relates to the main character of the same gender. If you just watched "The Bourne Identity", the male of the couple will probably think something like this: "Yeah, with a personal trainer, a dietician, a personal chef, and a few months to train, I could look like Matt Damon. No problem." Even if your guy is 30 lbs overweight and has not worked out regularly since high school, he still sees it as feasible. It doesn't matter that he might not ever go to the gym to try and look like Matt Damon, in his head he honestly believes he could do it. If he wanted to. He just doesn't want to.

Now, if you just watched "Pretty Woman", the female of the couple will probably think something like this: "Sigh. Julia Roberts is just gorgeous! She is so tall, her skin is flawless, her hair looks amazing, and her body is perfect. I could never look like that." Even if your woman is the best looking mom on the block, and still rocks a little black dress, she will just see flaws.

I am sure that part of this is because guys have (or at least believe they have) more influence over their body shape. Lift some weights, run a few miles, cut out some carbs, and BAM, we are looking good! I don't think that women believe that for a second. A woman cannot lift weights to increase her bust size, or run miles to make her hips bigger, or drink more water to get taller. Without mega plastic surgery, she is stuck with the shape she was born with or grew into.

But here is the thing, ladies: Chances are, your man already loves the way you look. He knows he is lucky to have you and that Julia Roberts is probably not going to show up at his next dart game and admire his accuracy. Be happy and confident in who you are. Because confidence is sexier than just about anything.

A Suggestion for Saving the Airline Industry

2009-09-07T10:17:00.002-04:00

The airlines need to stop with the nickling and diming of passengers. This craziness over a la carte fees for how many bags you are bringing and how much each bag weighs and then charging you for snacks is just ridiculous. It is complex and it makes it difficult to compare fares and prices between airlines.

Here is my simple solution to the problem: Charge passengers by the pound.

That's right. Charge passengers by the pound.

Walk up to the counter, step on the scale, calculate your fare and you are on your way.

Say you want to travel from Detroit to Dallas. You know how much your person weighs and you can guesstimate the weight of your luggage. Let's say the total is 200 pounds. Now you can compare airlines to see who is charging the least per pound. If Southwest is charging $1/lb, and United is charging $1.25/lb, then it is really easy to figure out from whom you will be buying that ticket. You can even vary the price by class of seating. So that first class is $2/lb, business class is $1.75/lb and coach is $1.25/lb.

Now, for this to work, the airlines will be forbidden from charging any extra fees for snacks, extra bags, etc. All of the extras need to be included in the price per pound. Which still gives the airlines some leeway in pricing, too. You could have Gold Class Coach, which is $1.25/lb, and that includes a can of pop, a bag of pretzels and a box of raisins. Or you could go with the Bronze Class Coach ticket, which includes no snacks or drinks, just your seat for the low price of $0.99/lb. This will make it much easier for the consumer to compare prices and services between airlines.

Think about it. This might even motivate people to lose weight. If you want to fly out to California for your cousin's wedding, you can actually put a value on losing those 35 lbs before you leave. You will look better, feel better AND save money. What more could you ask?

Salon Article: Cheap: The High Cost of Discount Culture

2009-07-13T21:49:00.002-04:00

I just read an article on Salon.com about the book "Cheap: The High Cost of Discount Culture". The Salon article is here: http://www.salon.com/books/review/2009/07/12/cheap/index.html.

The article isn't really a criticism of IKEA and Wal-Mart, so much as it is a criticism of our low expectations for purchasing and making things that last.

It happens all the time, even if you do not realize it. How many times have you bought something knowing that it will only be around for a year or two? How often at work do you create a document or fabricate something with the knowledge that it's lifespan will be that of a fruit fly?

In some ways, I think I run counter this trend. Before I bought my Nokia N95 phone a year ago, I was still using the same cheap Motorola phone I got with my cell phone contract. I was the last person in my house to get a new phone. I had that cheap little phone for over three years. Even though I hated that phone I kept it until I bought my Nokia. I really wanted to get a phone that had all the features I wanted, and I wanted to be sure that I would be happy for a while.

Along that same line, I have had the same basic Nextel work cell phone for the past 7 years. It does not even have a color display, but it still works like a champ. The only thing I had to do was replace the battery a couple years ago.

Yet, even as much as I like my personal cell phone, I fully expect to replace it in a year. Why? It will still make phone calls, take pictures, surf the web and send text messages a year from now. The main thing that is bugging the crap out of me now is that the iPhone has more and better applications being created for it. Every time a new, cool movie comes out there is an iPhone app related to it. Even NPR has an iPhone app especially designed for it. I am actually toying with the idea of getting an Apple iPod Touch to satisfy my need to stay connected to the cool things being released, while keeping my Nokia phone for the things I do everyday, like make phone calls, take pictures, surf the web while standing in line, etc. But that is borderline ridiculous. Do I really need two devices with so much overlap?

Anyway, there are some things that I will spend money on with the full expectation that I will keep them for years, like tools or watches. I don't mind spending a little extra money for quality tools because I expect to have them for 20 years. I still have the same hammer and toolbox I got for Christmas almost 25 years ago! I love watches, but I have very few of them. I don't look at them as fashion accessories, I look at them as a part of me.

When I am going to spend more than a couple hundred dollars on something, I will research and agonize over it until I am sure that I am right, and then I will pull the trigger on it. But once I have bought something like that, be prepared to see me use it for the next 10 to 20 years. I bought a pair of Hobie Rapallo sunglasses with some bonus money over 10 years ago. They probably cost me over $150 at the time. I keep them in my car for driving in bright conditions and they are awesome! They are not stylish anymore, but I love them because they work so darn well.

My wife will say that I am this way because I do not like to spend money. Which is probably true. But when I do spend it I expect to get a lot of value for my dollar.